About a year and a half ago, my certifiably insane (according to all online tests, she is a sociopath) darling roommate forcefully suggested that I make a profile on a particular online dating site. Now, keep in mind that I hate this sort of thing (writing about myself), and the last time I did anything even remotely similar was in 2003 when I got into chat rooms. I mean, man, hardcore sort of got into chat rooms – spent my nights until 3am at the computer with having to be in class at 7:30 kind of crazy times. Anyway, so at some point I decided that maybe I had to make a profile text or something, and it turned into some sarcastic quotes (looking back at them now, since I haven’t changed a thing, is hilarious and embarrassing) and a description of me as an elderly male pirate. For the record, I am neither male nor old pirate-looking (I think). So you can imagine that having to write something that other people (in theory) would respond to in order to (gasp!) hook up or something was quite a daunting task. Apparently not only do I ramble on in real life, I do that fantastically well online as well (perhaps demonstrated enough by my extreme use of brackets and asides), so… my profile got kind of big and scary long-winded. I tried to put the most important things – I am not particularly damaged, I’m easygoing but full of contradictions, and (perhaps most importantly) I am not looking for love. Oh, and I put “casual sex” as one of the options.
I met a few people this way, but I have to admit nothing special ever turned out of it. Oh! I stand corrected, I met the amazing couple, if only once. C&K contacted me, and even though it was not even remotely what I was looking for, I replied to thank them for the interest and explain I am just not into girls (nothing personal). Anyway, we ended up talking and then setting up a night for me to come over for drinks and see how it goes. To date, they are the most clear, fun and mature people I have met online. Other than them, I have gone on a few dates and met one guy for strictly fun casual sex (it didn’t work out, and he lives on next street – thankfully, I haven’t seen him since). I wonder if I am just looking in the wrong places to get my fix of strictly no-attachment, safe and fun fucking. I find that most guys either consider casual and indiscriminate sex to be interchangeable, which is totally fine for them, but not for me (anymore). On the other hand, I now know that I would not even consider hooking up with someone who cannot do open relationships or NSA encounters, since I have no desire whatsoever for drama, and a lot of guys go online to look for a potential girlfriend. I’m sure that some write that in profiles and answer questions in specific ways because they think this is what women want to hear from them, but I have been overwhelmingly told that the reason I actively do not want to find love is because I haven’t met the right guy. Trust me, I don’t need someone else to tell me what I want or need.
Mostly, I find dating to be kind of a hassle. Why can’t you just go to a bar, find someone you’re attracted to, chat to find out if you have chemistry and have fun? Oh, well, nevermind, I guess going out and meeting people is the easy part – they’re everywhere. It’s the chemistry part that is difficult, and that is the same in online and real life, it’s finding someone you want to be near to for even half an hour and someone who clicks with you and makes you all tingly. Maybe I’m being too picky and unreasonable, maybe I’m rushing to conclusions and not giving a chance for something to happen, but I guess I want the best of both worlds – I want the attraction and the detachment. Actually, last week over margaritas and discussions of pop psychology, N told me this is what she thinks one my defining traits is – “connected detachment”. Being able to genuinely empathize and understand, yet remain particularly unaffected can be a double edged sword, as it means I can form connections and care easily enough to start, but have trouble letting people in and being vulnerable. Maybe this is why dating is so hard for me, since I want a physical closeness and emotional distance which is not the most conventional thing for my gender.
It’s late, and I find myself wondering if I am deliberately sabotaging my “romantic” life. I keep men at arms length because I don’t want to get hurt (well, that is a given), but it’s not because I’m afraid they will stop loving me at some point, as devastating as that can be. I’m much more terrified of losing myself and losing parts of me that I have fought so hard and long for. I have sacrificed my ambition and pride before for a man whom I loved very much, and who asked me to take down my walls and let him in. Now, over 8 years later, I still don’t regret my choices as I walked into them with eyes wide open and knowing full well the potential consequences of my actions. It’s just I have to make choices again around this time, about who I want to be and what I want out of life in the grant big picture kind of way. I have love now, yet something doesn’t feel quite right. Is it because I’m actively unwilling to completely let go? Most likely. I also won’t change a thing about it.