Sometimes I have very strange fantasies about confronting S.
I don’t mean seeking him out or making a scene, it’s more of him looking for me to say hurtful things and me rising above them. I think at the end of it all I usually tell him I want my name off the house (technically, it is under my name only, but he lives there and pays the mortgage, so I don’t care, it’s his) within a month. Oh, there is also a “you’ve lost the right to touch me a long time ago” thing. I don’t ever like to air out my emotions in public, but somehow I think this is what my fantasy is all about – having people who know me now see how much I’ve come from.
Apparently, D can see through my pretenses. I honestly didn’t expect to run into him tonight, and he kept asking me if I’m ok or if something has happened in the last few days (I think my messages today were really off the wall). To give me credit, I actually told him that Sunday made me feel like I’m intruding on something, and it kind of sent me into a funk for the last two days. That is nearly unprecedented. I mean, I don’t share. At all. Yes, I should share my feeling with him (especially about our “whatever-you-may-call-it”) not only because he is a friend, but also because he has been so honest with me. I just know myself really well and I know I put up walls right away when I feel hurt or even when there is a possibility of being hurt. And, really, he didn’t do anything wrong, which is what I told him. I am extremely sensitive to feeling unwanted or even the ambiguity of if I’m wanted at a certain place at a certain time. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am perfectly fine if a person needs their space. I understand it and even welcome it. My issue is that I physically feel it when I am with someone and they really are ambivalent if they want me there. It drives me fucking nuts. I would be absolutely ok with him saying that he wanted to spend a Sunday on his own (I think we’ve spent every Sunday together for the last 4 months or more). It would not even be a thing, and I love having time to myself to study for that insane exam or whatever else I want. It’s being at his place and feeling like I’m a nuisance. I cannot stand it, it turns me into a crazy person.
According to my therapist, I concentrate too much on being what other people need and I end up forgetting what it is I actually feel. I get it – I am an emotional sponge and I want everyone around me to be happy. Maybe it’s not the healthiest way to be, though, because my feelings end up being apparent to some people.
I talked (over text) to J tonight, a guy I’m meeting for drinks tomorrow. If the chemistry is right, I might end up having sex with him. For now, I’m not sure, but he seems to be fun and easy-going. I truly like the banter of back-and-forth with him, but I’m not sure if I really want to get down and dirty with him. I think it is a testament to my (albeit limited) experience with sex that I am not longer willing to engage in indiscriminate romp simply because there is an expectation. If the chemistry is there (which is huge for me), yeah, maybe I will. I’m a bit ashamed to admit that one of the reasons to engage in a conversation with this guy was because I felt at the moment that I have to pull away from D a bit to clear my head. I still think that it is a smart thing to do, as I am falling deeper and deeper for him, but I think a night of interesting conversation and low pressure is just what the doctor ordered. I will not lead J on, and I will let him know if I am not interested – but I’m not as jittery as I was all day.
I don’t need much to be confident and secure with someone. All it took is an expression of concern and care, and I immediately felt better and more stable. On one hand, it drives me bonkers. I mean, I am confident and self-aware, and I know this guy cares for me and appreciates me. So why the hell do I have to be this crazy person from planet Weirdo? On the other, somehow I almost expect his affection to fade in a matter of, what, hours? Minutes? So I end up turning into a stranger who viscerally needs an acknowledgement of something special between us. I know this doesn’t makes sense, and this is exactly what I meant when I told N I am aware all of this is in my head.
At the end of the day, the good thing is that I calmed down. Significantly. Might be the gin and cranberry, or the shots for birthday of a guy at the bar, but I’m a lot more mellow. I think it’s only thanks to his concern and affection, which meant the world to me. Now don’t misunderstand – I am still not lost in him, and I will still put myself first. But his care made it all fade, and seeing his reaction made me more comfortable to express what I felt, which is the entire point of feeling close to someone.