I know I overthink things, but this is just crazy. Somehow I believe my emotional rollercoaster of the last week might have been brought on by my own stupid actions – taking hormonal birth control to stop my period from ruining a weekend of going to Vermont with D. There are many reasons why I hate birth control pills and love my IUD (which I have to change in two weeks, and I am absolutely dreading the process), the mood swings definitely being one of them.
Last night’s drinks with J were ok, I guess, but I was really not feeling the chemistry. When he started talking about going to his place, I thought for a second about doing it just for the hell of it, but I realised I would probably not have fun anyway, so I declined. It’s hilarious, but he lives in the same building as C&K, so it will be funny if I run into him the next time I visit them (which, hopefully, will be soon). Still, I’m glad he had a good time, and it was nice for me too to get out of my head for a bit.
I ended up at the pub, and D came around later on. I understand now that even though I am not a liar when it comes to actions (as in, if I promise not to do something, I won’t), I have a much more difficult time with feelings and emotions. Specifically, even though we agreed to be honest with each other about how we feel, it is extremely uncomfortable for me to share… well… my discomfort. I actually told him that it is comforting and disconcerting at the same time to see that he notices a difference in me (I am supposed to be an impenetrable KGB agent, after all). Mostly, it’s because I think I was being such a basket case about everything. I’ll get down on my own case because I know I am being unreasonable and strangely emotional about nothing important (I guess this is what constant PMS feels like). Anyway, I told him that I actually want him to fuck other people and have fun doing it (at which point he confirmed what I already guessed – that he fucked Trivia Girl on Monday – which, once again, is totally ok and even welcomed), so this is not where my apparent insecurity is coming from. Yes, I have a very proud side of me that wants me to remain the best sex of his life, but I don’t think that’s all. He is being extremely patient and understanding, and if anything he puts utmost effort in making me feel loved. The issue I had, I think, is that I felt he didn’t want to fuck me on Sunday (while he was going through nasty withdrawal period due to him quitting smoking three weeks ago) yet he had sex with someone else just the following day. Juvenile, I know, and I hate it, but it’s like I had a little person inside me, pouting about “but why doesn’t he want to smack my ass and make me squirt all over the couch instead?”
Another thing is that he gets off on the secrecy. He actually told me (which was hilarious) that in a way I ruined some of the fun for him because he doesn’t have to sneak around in fears (and excitement) of getting caught because I really don’t mind. In his own words, any other girlfriend he had would throw a drink in his face if he just came out and said he had sex with someone else two days ago. Funny, that’s the same thing he nearly expected when he asked me if I was interested in bringing a girl home with us a few weeks after we met (obviously I didn’t mind and we had a great time with an amusingly awkward morning on her part). When he mentioned last week that he, despite our explicitly stated agreement to not be exclusive, feels like he’s cheating on me with these other women and in a way it turns him on, I told him that I like knowing about what he does, and would definitely like to hear details if he wants to share, but if he wants to not tell me anything, he is totally free to do so. I think I have a lot less neuroticism if I know what he is doing and with whom, but the last thing I want to do is indirectly punish him with my erratic behaviour for doing something I explicitly told him I have no problem with.
Honestly, today I wonder why it even affected me this much. I know he cares about me, he not only tells me but also makes sure to act in a way to make me feel reassured about his affection. I think I’m just horny and it’s been way too long since he tied me up or left bruises on my ass that would need weeks to heal. I don’t know how to ask for that because I don’t want to be demanding or a nuisance, but I also know it’s all on me for not bringing it up. I spent so much time squashing every notion of what was important to me in favour of someone else for years that now I find it difficult to adequately express what it is I want, which is all my own problem.