I am very proud of myself for doing something really elementary for some people but a huge step forward for me. I actually brought up what was on my mind to D in a constructive way and received a positively fantastic response. Woo!
We had a great day, finally being active (as opposed to crashing on the couch for the day) – going to the mountain for a long walk filled with mud, snow and breathtaking views and then to a little cafe for sangria and lunch. Snuggled on the couch, watched some tv show about Florida salvage crews and… nothing. While I didn’t feel he was quite as distant, he made no indication whatsoever that he wanted to fuck. Which is totally fine, people have their shit going on, and I was not being a crazy “but but but… don’t you want me anymore” girl. When I went home and he went for a drink, however, still being calm and reasonable didn’t change the fact that I just wanted to know why. So I ended up texting him (ok, so that is still easier for me than bringing it up face to face) and asked him (recognizing first that I know he loves me and finds me attractive) if the reason he seems disinterested in sex with me was because he is bored with me for the moment or if it’s something else.
He told me that he should have brought it up during the day, and that he felt it was an issue, and that it has nothing to do with me but his general world feeling upside down in the last few weeks. He said he was sorry and that he would try to find out what’s wrong. Frankly, I felt like such an asshole for putting even a bit of pressure (which is definitely not at all what I wanted to do) and not giving it time just to work itself out, but on the other hand, I had concerns and brought them up in a constructive way, which is something I have to learn to do at some point, right? D was really great through it all, reassured me about his feelings (which is not what I was looking for, I just wanted some clarification to know if it was something between us or something external) and did not in any way make it seem like I was overstepping.
It seems like a very small thing, to be able to bring up what’s on your mind to your lover, but for some reason it is not for me. I know now that the end of a relationship with S was in some way a result of this inability on my part, and I also know it’s because I didn’t feel like I had the right or some sort of justification to do so with him. When he was going through his shit, my problems were immaterial to him, and he failed to understand that not only was I intimately involved in all of his issues (him running a restaurant during the recession and general competitiveness in this city) and working 60-80 hours a week, I was also trying desperately to finish my degree (which I basically gave up for him and his business and was the reason I moved here in the first place) and was expected to take care of our home (failing miserably). It was a perfect storm of tensions, lack of time and outside pressures, but I vividly remember driving home with him one day and bitching about my terrible team project and hating working with students, not expecting him to find a solution but just wanting to vent out my frustrations, and he turned to me and told me to “grow up and stop acting like a child”. It came as such a slap in the face that I froze. I think this was the moment I truly started shutting down and letting go of us. It was also the time I decided that this whole “taking down your walls” thing I did for S (since I am naturally a guarded person and don’t let people in very easily) was not the best idea I ever had and that I probably shouldn’t do it again. Now, I’m not saying that D gets to know me fully, or that I’ll be volunteering a lot more information about my feelings or thoughts, but I’m becoming a lot less skittish around him, which is a good thing, I think.
This doesn’t change the fact that I want to find a play partner to take the edge off my sex drive. I am meeting Aussie tonight for shisha and a drink, but something tells me we might not be on the same page about what we want. There was also a playful Ginger Dude I met online who seems to be an interesting prospect (he made a comment about not knowing if he wanted to spoil me or spank me, which peaked my interest), but he’s out of town on business until next week. I do enjoy the anticipation, though, so I just hope that he ends up exciting in person as well. I guess this is the biggest problem I have with internet dating – very often people are not in real life the way they seem to be online.
Overall, it feels like I have a much better handle on everything going on. Now all I have to do is go through two books and massive review in the next seven weeks and pass this monster of an exam. Oh, and find out in two weeks if I can apply for a green card. And decide to finally take control of my career and move into a better job. Yikes.