I went out with Aussie last night, and we talked for hours about pop culture and monogamy. I’m not interested in him either.
I’m trying to put a finger on what exactly I am looking for, which is tough because while I am now semi-actively looking (or, really, interviewing, in a way) for a fuck buddy, I am trying to balance it with reflections about my situation with D. Last night, one of the things we talked about was understanding where personal reactions come from. Aussie thinks that our culture and natural predispositions are too intertwined for us to be able to discern why we react the way we do, but I believe that with some careful examination we can understand the root of our feelings. For example, my kerfuffle last week was due to me being mildly unstable and insecure about my standing or importance to D, not about wanting him exclusively for myself. Same with my spree of dates recently (and more to come) – I know I want more sex, but I’m unsure of how to go about it. I am trying to go for quantity, casting a wide net in some general direction without really looking, hoping by some chance that someone fun and open-minded will magically fall into my lap. If I was more dedicated to it, I could scout either the fetish scene here or at least put more effort in FetLife profile I already have. I could place an ad. I could go to a swinger club. Yet I do none of these things. Even more funny, I almost feel like I am almost cheating on D when I go out with other guys. Which is not the case, at all. I, for whatever reason, feel mildly uncomfortable brining up me going on a date (I think I have established that I am apparently uncomfortable with a lot of things). Actually, I know exactly why. I feel like I am acting as if I don’t care about him, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I allow him (in my head) the ability to love me and fuck other women until cows come home, but for some reason I seem to think he is incapable of doing the same (which he is). It’s unfair to him and me.
I guess in my head it feels borderline insensitive to, out of the blue, tell him “Hey, babe, I have a date tonight. What are your plans?” In reality, why not? I wouldn’t mind if he said this to me. In fact, I would want to know who she is, is she hot, fun, etc. I would want him to have an awesome time and maybe tell me their sexy stories after. So if I would welcome such a behaviour, why can’t I do the same?
I have to figure out how to deal with this, and fast. Tonight I have plans to go for drinks with Kinsey Guy, and so far we are going to a neighbourhood bar where I not only know fair bit of the staff, but also probably a lot of regulars. A lot of people assume D and I are together, and I know he got some dirty looks when he ran into some of them while out for drinks with Blue Girl (which made me laugh and offer that I tell them to be nice to him). I’ll probably text D later on, tell him about the drinks and ask if he’s ok with me going to that place, or if he would prefer I go somewhere else. I also don’t know if I should tell Kinsey Guy now that we will be surrounded by people who know I am seeing someone (which hasn’t come up in our very limited conversations yet). If so, how the hell do I even bring it up?! Isn’t that presumptious, to assume he would even care? Is it insensitive? Inconsiderate?
Sometimes I feel I am floundering about without a great idea or plan of how to get what I want. I understand it is all part of the process, and am actually excited to have this opportunity to grow and learn more about myself and what I want. I know I want open and complete communication, which goes directly against what I have learned is prudent (in my past apparently not-particularly-healthy relationship). Every time so far that I have brought something up, it was met with positive feedback and utter lack of judgement, so in theory that should make me more willing to share what I think, right? I’m afraid of jeopardizing the good thing I have right now, which is counter-intuitive because if D (or anyone else) was not open to who I am and what I want without censorship, I would not be interested in him.
So I guess the moral of the story is that I overanalyze everything. I am so afraid of hurting people I treat them like babies instead of adults and have the audacity to decide what is best for them without actually having that conversation. I should put my big girl panties on and just let them know what is going on. It’s not the big deal I am making it out to be.