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Shit my roommate says

I do have the most amazing people in my life, and I am very lucky. My roommate, K, is one of these people.

We met when I worked at the restaurant, through one of mutual friends who brought her in one quiet night. Now, I have been told many times I do not look Russian, but this girl – classic. So when she walked in, the only thought I had was “Fuck. They brought me a Russian person to be friends with.” She ended up being funny and off the wall (even though according to most people she looks like she is constantly mad and contemplating massive homicide). Her, S and I were good friends for a while, but when things started to go wonky between S and I, he seemed to be looking for any excuse or external party to blame it on, and at some point was saying that K tried to break us up because she wanted a “single friend”. Now, don’t get me started on how much of a pile of bullshit that is, since I am not the kind of person to let anyone dictate how I should live or who I should be with, but I guess it’s hilarious that in the end, when there was no way to resuscitate our relationship, I ended up moving in with K.

I wish I had a recorder with me when we talk, since we have the absolute best conversations. I did, for a while, collect some of her quotes. I swear, a lot of times, she is my comic relief.

“Men are like pants. I borrow yours, you borrow mine. Just without return.”

“Just too much of a dick for me. And why let a good thing go to waste? Better to give to a good home.”

“He has 1 thing going for him. Ok, 2. Sex and he’s not Egyptian.”

“You can squirt?! Forget all that sick fuck shit. Let’s have that conversation!”

“I have two boyfriends. Both of them imaginary.”

“I’m gonna ride his ass like he’s my first man and I just came out of closet.”

“It’s as obvious as your nipple rings right now.”

“So not only does he think I date only rich people, but now he also things he’s too stupid for me.”

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