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The calm after a storm

I am on fire today! Could be something about having coffee (I do not usually drink coffee, it makes me too jittery) with no breakfast and being at a point of complete exhaustion. I am in the overdrive and it’s intense.

So I mentioned my yesterday’s dilemma about what to say to D and Kinsey Guy to K, and her take on it was something completely different from what I wanted to do. I appreciate having her very logical mind to pick at. To give a little bit of background, K has been involved with a married man, L, for the last, oh, possibly three years. It started as a one-time thing, but ended up lasting because, apparently, he just gives her the absolutely best sex she’s ever had, and with her very high sex drive and hypochondria it’s easier for her to have a regular partner. She can also be quite detached and cerebral in her relationships, but both of them have, over time, developed feelings for each other. Frankly, it doesn’t seem like the best thing for her because, while I have absolutely no problem with them using each other to get their rocks off, she continuously sabotages other potential relationships over sex with a guy who is a complete dick. She is not a doormat in any sense of the word, but if what she wants is marriage and family and kids before she’s 30 (which is what she says she wants), holding on to a guy who is nearly twice her age is probably not the best of options. They are both jealous and possessive, and keep tearing at each other in a way that doesn’t seem to be productive, at least from where I’m looking. Again, of course she is free to do whatever she wants, but I worry. She has no problem with lying, and can come up with an excuse for everything, which is something I’m realising I can be quite terrible at.

So, basically, K’s advice was either not to tell either man anything about my plans or romantic situation. She said that D shouldn’t care at all about what I do (she also views us as just fuck buddies with no emotions whatsoever), and that I have no obligation to tell him anything (for the record, I don’t see it as obligation but rather a desired disclosure, completely voluntary on my side), and I can just tell Kinsey Guy to meet me downtown (providing whatever reason I could come up with).

I have to say it was tempting. I didn’t want to do anything grown-up or reasonable or uncomfortable and possibly dangerous. Why not just avoid the entire situation altogether? After all, I wouldn’t be hurting anyone, it would be soooo much easier, and no one would have to know? D seemed to be having a pretty shitty day (I ended up getting semi naked in the office bathroom and sending him some pics to cheer him up), and what if somehow telling him I have a date in the neighbourhood would be something that would damage what we have between us?

And then I realised how ludicrous the conversations in my head were. I mean, seriously?! Why was I acting like such an immature airhead? What was the big deal? I texted D, told him I had a date at the nearby place, and asked him if he was ok with it or he would prefer me to go somewhere else. His response – “No that’s fine, baby. Enjoy.”

Well. That made me feel silly for all my head spinning.

It did make me understand a bit, though, what he was talking about when he said that a little part of him expected a drink thrown in his face when he told me he fucked another girl a few days prior – which is not my style. I guess sometimes it’s still tough to let go of preconceived ideas of how these things work, even if it’s not the ideas we actually believe in.

So I went on my date and had a great time. I ran in all frazzled because the end of my day turned into a shit storm, but Kinsey Guy was very chill, soft-spoken and pretty interesting. Not sure where I stand attraction wise (and what is with people looking so different from their pictures?), but I think I’d like to see him again. He did say something very interesting that caught my attention – that I do not volunteer information about myself. He said that we talked about some pretty big ideas, and had great discussions (which he liked – that was not a criticism), but that I was not quite the open book I believe myself to be. D said this before, and I thought it was funny. I guess he is right, but I’m not sure what that actually means. Do I hide myself? I don’t think so. I don’t avoid anything, and try to be as honest as possible with people around me, be they strangers or close friends (hence my dilemma yesterday). I think this si eomethign I should explore more, just not sure how.

Afterwards, he offered me a ride but I declined and went to the pub for a drink (to decompress a bit). D was already gone, but came back to see me and we spent some time together (until 2am, hence the exhaustion and need for coffee this morning), which was really great. He asked me about my date, we talked about his day and Ken Burns documentaries, and just relaxed. As far as I’m concerned, it was perfect.


2 thoughts on “The calm after a storm

  1. Sweet!!!

    There were moments, when I was actually single and not involved with anyone, that I found the notion of explaining myself on dates to be such an adult burden that I struggled with telling them at all because I just wanted to have fun too. When I was younger girls went steady, me? I dated different guys on different nights of the week. I had to balance truth, openness, and objectivity with timing: because I would hate to lead anyone on, I don’t feel I have to pour my guts out on the first date table either so I came off as ‘less than open’ to a lot of guys but I really might want a second date!

    I am usually preoccupied with them, because I am a watcher and I like to deflect from myself (I was raised that talking about yourself all the time was rude), as I try to figure them out: could this person handle the state of affairs because some men do care if you are in an open relationship, some men see this as the great challenge to conquer and I am not into that, others do not care so much and have expressed concerns in regards to the other other white meat ‘ he is really okay with this?’ No one wants to get punched in the face and rarely do men want to be the one you go to crying when guy number 1 is being an asshat – so yes some guys do see potential for tears and heartache, they do get a say.

    Over time this got easier, depends on the person too and how settled you are with what you have going on: I got to the point where I could recite my situation on the first date and still get a second one. Once you tell someone this they really look to see how you handle it – another area of being open that can bring about difficulties.

    Not sure if he knew you were single but with D or if he just picked up on something, but I find reading your blog is like reading my old diary and if only I knew then what I know now…
    I think you have every reason to declare victory!

    • Thank you so much! Sometimes I feel I am celebrating these small victories for no reason at all, as they are normal and easy for others, but for me they mean a lot. I am glad you enjoy this – considering how together you seem it is such an amazing compliment and gives me hope that I will figure all of this out. 🙂

      I told him about D and how I came to believe that monogamy is something that is not for me (though is fantastic for some people), mostly because I do not want to hide anything or downplay my relationship with D, which would take priority over anything new. He told me at some point that he understands I am dating someone else, and it doesn’t make him like me any less, so I am sure I will see him again to figure out how exactly I feel about him.

      I think that you are right, and considering that talking about myself always was considered “rude” and my need to always be polite (which is what I sometimes I have to work against) stops me from expressing myself too much. It is something I want to change, to a degree, and maybe going on some of these dates is how I can teach myself to open up more easily.

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