I have never been into women. I mean, I could always appreciate the beauty, and had absolutely no problem admiring someone, but I didn’t want to have sex with them. When I met N, who has had relationships with women and men in the past, she tried to get me to sleep with her (which was pretty funny), but that never happened. Well, it hasn’t happened then, but we ended up together in bed with her boyfriend after one night of debauchery. Meanwhile, when we worked together at the bar we could definitely put on a show since we got to be very comfortable with each other.
Now, my first real experience with a girl was when D and I brought Shy Girl home with us, a couple of weeks after we started having sex. I just finished a monster exam (a predecessor of the one coming up in a few weeks) and got to the bar feeling like I was ran over by a train. A good friend of mine left for a trip that same day but ordered an 18-year Macallan for me, so that was the start of my night. It all went downhill from there. A few hours later, D is talking to this girl he knew from a while back, and then sends me a text – “Are you interested?”
Now, he expected some sort of bad reaction, he told me later, but I have been impulsive in the past, she was cute, the world was getting soft around the edges, and I figured – why not? She was trying to escape one of the other guys who was there and was not getting the point that she wasn’t interested, so maybe that played into her decision to come with us. I still have no idea what D told her to come up to his place.
We sat around for a while, had a few more drinks and talked about relative nature of morality (I think). All of a sudden, and without breaking the conversation, D unzipped my jeans and started playing with the edge of my panties. The way he touches me drives me wild, so within seconds I was soaking wet. Shy Girl said she didn’t want to come between us since it looked to her like we had something serious going on, but that was not a concern to us. She got closer to D and he started kissing her, all the while with his fingers on my clit. Whatever inhibitions I had, whatever attraction I never had for women – none of it mattered. I was burning up, I wanted to touch someone, anyone, she was there and she was something new and unknown, which was exciting. We kissed, and she had soft lips, was delicate in a way none of my men have ever been. I’m small (except for the boobs), so none of the guys I have been with were my size, but Shy Girl – this was something I have never had before. D fingered her, and watching her writhe and moan was one of the most erotic things I have ever seen. I know how good he is, know exactly what it feels like to lose all sense of control like that, and watching him do it to someone else and her react in such a way was just simply hot. Shy Girl and I got naked, and I went down on her as she sucked and licked my pussy. It wasn’t the best oral sex I ever had, but the surreal thrill of the night made it worth it. A few weeks later D sent me a picture he took of the two of us, and it was still enough to send a jolt of excitement through me.
We all went to bed together, and fell asleep with D in the middle of two girls. In the middle of the night, I woke up from the cold. D and Shy Girl were asleep, all wrapped up in each other and, and I had a moment of unreasonable and childish jealousy. I mean, I had no reason to expect anything, we were not together, we only knew each other for barely a month – and yet… I felt discarded and set aside. It took me a moment to wake up enough to realise how silly this was – they were asleep, it was a simple reaction of cuddling up to a warm body next to you, and afrer all, I sleep just fine alone. I stole some covers and fell back asleep.
In the morning, D rolled over and fucked me senseless, as I tried (and failed, mostly) to keep quiet as to not wake up our visitor. He got up and went to make coffee, as I basked in the afterglow and tried to make sense of what exactly happened last night, and since when did I enjoy random strangers and exhibitionism that much. Shy Girl got up, got quickly dressed, came back to the bedroom for a sweet short kiss and ran out. I have seen her once or twice at the pub, but she never came over or said hi, so I don’t want to make her any more uncomfortable than she seems already. Sometimes I wish I could tell her how much fun I had.
A month or so later I met up with C&K, a couple who found me on OkCupid. It was a more deliberate attempt to see how exactly I react to women, and to explore the side of sexuality I simply did not consider before.
The reason I felt like taking the walk down memory lane is that I’m getting a few messages from girls on FetLife, and D and I have talked briefly about finding another girl to join us. I am not bisexual, simply because I don’t think I would be interested in a relationship with a woman, and sex with one is not as fulfilling for me as it is with men, but I think this is something I want to find out more about. When he met Trivia Girl, originally, D wanted to get her for both of us, and the other night he (once again, I have no idea how he manages to bring it up – “Hey, you want to go home with me and the Russian?”) he offered another girl he knows to come home with us. She gave me a very awkward good bye kiss, it was hilarious.
I’m not sure how I want to go about it, and for now I prefer to have another girl in a context of a threesome – where I can still have access to a cock and male strength. But I am coming to realise that a lot of the limits I put on myself, without even knowing, might not have been as natural as I thought. I don’t mean natural in a sense that I thought there is something wrong with them, but rather in a “nature vs nurture” context. I already know that the premise of my relationship with S – the complete exclusivity and the desire to be “the one and only” – might not be what I actually require to be happy with someone. I always knew that I wanted to have sex, and lots of it – but I thought that I would be perfectly ok with it being with only one person, which is not the case if I have to be honest with myself. Now I am trying to see what are the limits of my desires and sexuality, and I am finding they are perhaps even further than I thought. That’s the exciting part of discovery – opening up new possibilities and learning new pleasures.