I feel like I am at sea in a dinky boat. Which is a pretty silly metaphor since I have never been in a dinky boat or in the middle of the ocean. I went on a sailboat in high school for a trip with other students for a week, but it was awesome and only took us around islands in some pretty quiet weather. So maybe I am being a bit overdramatic.
I hate my job. I absolutely loathe the everyday drudgery of working for an imbecile of a boss (seriously, my roommate’s crazy comments have nothing on the way this guy thinks and spews nonsense). I am so completely unmotivated I am capable of spending most of my day here reading sexy blogs (not like it’s a waste of time, but…) and still get all my work done. I am overqualified, underchallenged and pretty unappreciated for my abilities. Yet, I am having an incredibly difficult time finding something else, because I am not a “normal” candidate. See, most people get hired straight out of school into training programs at big institutions, and I was never qualified for that because even though I have a degree from a very good university, due to me giving up my entire first year for my then boss (and future husband) and his business, I had to fight to requalify back into my program and my cumulative GPA was obviously never the same. It was devastating, after graduation first in my school and having a scholarship, to sit in advisor’s office and try to explain that the reason for not showing up to final exams was that the business that didn’t even belong to me was in jeopardy and I had to save it. No 18 year old should have the weight of that. No 29 year old should let the 18 year old bear all that, but I guess that’s a whole other story. It doesn’t matter how it happened, but now I have to figure out how to be the non-conventional applicant and get what I really want.
I’ve read last week about just going for it and asking for what I want, but it feel like I have been told “no” so many times that I barely have the will tro try again. I am about to take this huge exam in a month (just under 4 weeks), and I cannot get decent studying done because I think there is a part of me that is just about to give up. If nothing I have done so far seems to matter, and none of the other courses and designations mean a thing, why go through yet another brutal event? I think it’s because I got an e-mail yesterday about (yet another) position that I didn’t get. I’m only 27, but I feel like life is passing me by because I am stuck here. Wow, what melodrama.
I really don’t mean for it to be so bleak. I am very much responsible for the way things are, and I am not putting the effort, really, into finding that other job. I am actively sitting back and letting everything pass me by because I am so damn tired of fighting for something and being consistently shut down.
I want my old motivation and blind ambition back, and I am being way too careful. A very good friend of mine, Finance Guy, told me what I need the sense of urgency, my back against the wall, and I have a feeling he’s right. He abruptly quit the job he hated and moved to another city when he was about my age, without a safety net, job security or even knowing anyone. Within a week, he had a few offers and started his rise in the career he loves. I wish I didn’t have the burden of debt so I could do that, but right now it just seems unfeasible. Which, perhaps, is the point of it all – I moved here a week before school started, not knowing anyone and not even having a place to live, and I managed to be ok. I was ready to go fight for what I wanted, with my parents telling me that it was a bad decision and I was on my own. I am waiting for the same kind of panic and sense of urgency to kick in, and the fact is I’m running out of time.
Maybe I’m just looking at it the wrong way. I was talking to D the other night (he is really having a rough time with trying not to smoke – and failing at that) and he mentioned that he has the tendency to self-sabotage – which is something I can identify with. We just go about it in different ways. For him, he cheats, and he apparently doesn’t know why he does that, in such a consistent fashion. He said his mother always loved him very much, but his stepmother was a major cunt, and he wonders if somehow that taught him he doesn’t deserve love, at some point. So he go around doing things that he knows will end the relationship for him. In my case, I know I am awesome (most of the time), but I would rather not get something because I chose not to get it (even if I want it, but stick with me here), and not because I was told “no”. I guess this is why, if I ask “do you want me to stay or go?” and get “it’s up to you” – I run. Away. Very very fast. Because then, after all, it is my action, my responsibility and my choice. I don’t blame others, I would rather blame myself.
This is all to say, in a roundabout way, that all I did lately is make a conscious (or nearly that) choice to not get out of this situation. Which means I can do the opposite, too. I can fire up, get my act together, kick this exam’s ass and prove that I am the same big bad girl who can still take the world by storm.